pt 1: here

The day-to-day life distracted her mind from the dull ache in her neck and heart. The job was mundane, handling paperwork and paying bills. She had a good relationship with her two coworkers, and they usually gossiped about the three bosses in their break time, but Sierra couldn’t bring herself to do so. She seemed to have lost interest in the men that used to capture her attention.
As she and her coworkers planned the upcoming annual summer celebration, a way for the company to give the workers a nice evening and marketing the company as caring and good in hope of getting new grants or customers, she didn’t feel the same passion. Sierra was just one of the secretaries, and didn’t know any programming or coding, and therefore she tuned out when the higher employed talked about their jobs. She knew they made digital programs for health offices, and developed new methods of scanning data, to access the medical condition of patients quicker in order to save more lives. It seemed like a true purpose, and she was proud of her workplace, and for making it run as smoothly as possible even though her work seemed pointless at times. But if the bosses or programmers spent time arranging meetings, paying bills and planning parties they wouldn’t get anything done so at some level she did feel accomplished.

Yet her thoughts drifted back to that man. To the night of passion that had left her hungry for more. To that strange feeling that seemed to jump around in her body. It felt like it was dragging her. Left and right, sometimes it was strong, other times it seemed distant. It grew over the weeks, making her even more unfocused.
“Sierra?” she blinked and looked at Anna who looked slightly annoyed. “Did you even her anything?” she asked and Sarah giggled by her side leaning back in her chair with a freshly bought frappe. “She caught something on that last trip” Sarah cooed. “She’s been distant ever since”
It was true, yet that ‘something’ didn’t make sense. “Sure…” Anna replied with a worried look but didn’t ask “so, I asked you if you could perhaps cool it a bit this year” she replied with a smirk at Sierra. Sarah laughed “Its Si! You know she likes parties! And the guys like it when she does” she laughed. Sierra felt a pang of guilt. Like she wasn’t supposed to like it? Did she even? She used to but the mere thought of male attention now felt odd. Wrong.
“Yeah… I can do that” she replied to Anna, causing Sarah to cough on her drink “what? Since when? Did you join some sort of cult down here?” even though Sarah was joking there was a hint of worry in her voice. “No!” Sierra retorted and noted the glance the others exchanged.
“Alright- “Sarah replied before continuing “but you know Mark will be disappointed. And Stephen. And- ““I get it!” Sierra snapped. She had tried to keep job and personal life apart but the more familiar she had got with the employees here the harder it got. Especially when alcohol was introduced. She had slept with two of the programmers, and one of the bosses. The last had been an accident as it compromised her position a lot. She felt like she had to do all the dumb things, or he would simply fire her or something. Anna and Sarah said it wasn’t the case. That he liked her, and if she resigned, he would date her for sure! Sierra wasn’t interested in that. She liked her job, and her freedom. And she didn’t really like Mark. He was handsome and, with enough alcohol, was a good time, but he wasn’t compatible with her.

She had only had a few relationships. The boys were never as adventurous as her. They wanted to stay at home and play house – that was not her. The two stared at her for a while before it was time to go back to work. Sierra couldn’t focus. The feeling in her chest growing slowly. It got more intense as time passed, and she felt bad for not participating in the plannings. Every day seemed the same. She tried to be nice and greet people. Tried to be excited for the party but it all seemed dull and unimportant.
She caught Stephan discussing something with Brad, sending her a grin. She knew what it was, even without having heard it. Do you think I’ll get lucky with her again? Was that all they thought of her? She would normally just shrug and send them a confident grin. But now? She felt icky.
Mark, Theo and the last boss mr. Richardsson, an older gentleman who didn’t approve of the casual atmosphere and insisted on being referred to by last name, called her in to a meeting, stating that they had noted that she had seemed worried. She assured them that she was just a little tired. Mark asked if she needed a few days to get back to herself, but Sierra refused. No more favors to owe him. They accepted but requested she be more present when at work, as her attitude stressed her coworkers. She knew it did. Anna and Sarah were left with a massive load of stuff that she had dropped. As she left the office she made an appointment with the doctor, explaining the depressive symptoms, and her knowledge of what it could result in. It took some carefully chosen words, but he renewed the old prescription of anti-depressants. She hated those pills. They made her feel nothing. But nothing and focus was better than whatever this was.

It took a week for the meds to work properly, she informed her bosses and they extended the grace period to let her get her bearings. The feelings disappeared, all of them. The good and the bad – it allowed her to focus on work, on the expense of the few joyous times with friends. It was fine. She felt peace if nothing else. Anna and Sarah tried to cheer her up, and she was grateful for them. She had some amazing coworkers, and hopefully this period of depression would pass.
In the mornings she could just barely feel it, the tug of worry and irritation that grew and faded. It seemed to grow increasingly, as doomsday pending coming closer by the hour. The pills killed the sensation, let her focus till the coming morning. The nightlife she had lived was dead. She didn’t want to party. She didn’t want to meet people, which was strange. She called her dad, cried and raged at the dormant depression. He offered up his home, but she had to work. Had to prove that she could keep her job. It was a good job. Good people. He understood but was worried on her behalf.

Finally, July crested the calendar, and the upcoming party was only days away. The unease in her chest grew to an oppressing fear. She had nothing to fear though and couldn’t make sense of it.
As the Friday arrived, she felt so wrong going to this party. Going to celebrate with men and women. She could barely muster the energy to doll herself up as she usually did, and as she stared at the mirror, she didn’t recognize the woman. The smile was gone, as was the confident and careless glimmer in her eyes. The bitemark had faded to a scar now, and she covered it up again, as she did every day. She donned her pretty summer dress; one she was immensely fond off as it showed off the best of her – and covered very little. Now it seemed weird. Who was she dressing up for anyway? Yet she persisted with the plan she had made with Sarah and Anna months earlier, when they eagerly had discussed what to wear and how they would dress up. It used up all her energy and she grabbed the packet of emergency pills to kill the feeling of worry and annoyance that filled her.